This is not a shoe blog: I can't believe I am going to say this

I saw these red (red!) Jessica Simpson heels marked $29 ($29!) and I am pretty sure I fell back a few steps. A flash of images (OK, outfits) raced through my mind.These shoes with my good ass jeans, these shoes with my favorite little black summer wear-to-weddings dress, tthese shoes with...oh hell, who are we kidding here? Yoga pants, pajamas, that little velcro-ey towel thing you must have when you want to emulate the Real Housewives of anywhere.

Even better, they were my size (no layers of inserts!) and they fit like a glove and felt like butter oozing around my foot. They were perfect.

Except for one thing. They were too high (too high!).

Killer price, killer fabric, killer style, killer size, killer heel. No, really. My chances of dying while simply walking from my front door to the car in these shoes is extremely high.

I say this as a person who is more uncomfortable in kitten heels than gigantic Frankenstein-height whore heels. As a person whose arches ache when I wear flats too many days in a row. As a person who will gut out a stiletto without flinching.

But these babies were just too high for me.

I think I shed a tear as I placed them tenderly back on the shelf, knowing they'd be oozing their buttery goodness on someone else's foot within minutes.

Jessica Simpson, with your heels so fatal and beautiful, why do you hate me so? Why?

And shoes, if you happen to still be waiting out there for me on that desperate clearance shelf, can you please come with an invitation to some kind of sit-down dinner? Please?

Comments

[furiousball]

yeah, but your legs would look awesome in these heels, no foolin'

[Melissa]

Do you mean you don't have a cobbler on retainer who could whittle those heels down for you? Come now.

[Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)]

Melissa, I am pretty sure my future houseboy will have some kind of expertise in cobbling.

And furiousball, you are good for my ego. Keep on strokin' it, brothah.

[new sneaker]

how cute....nice heels.. ;)

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