is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
He said yes.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 If someone would have told me a year ago that all it would take to settle the details of my divorce was wielding a giant sword and clanking around in a metal boob thing, then for the love of Red Sonja, I would have pulled those things out of the costume box eons ago.
We met, the Almost Ex and I. We sat in Starbucks, just across from the table where we sat last October and I meant to confront him but instead asked gingerly about all the things I'd found hidden out in the open, all of the events that quickly led to us being no longer. I was purposely calm those months ago, purposely calm as we huddled over a financial spreadsheet I created to measure what bills had been paid and what is now owed.
I glanced to the left as he made his way down the page with his finger and eyes, noting the empty table and remembering that awful meeting.
Things are different now. That's what I thought to myself. There are no questions about being done, just when. There is no doubt about grasping happiness, just about how to keep holding on to the happiness I now have.
It hasn't been easy. That's what I thought next. But it wasn't easy being married either, especially in those final months.
I would have liked him to make a proposal to me, to take the lead in the financial negotiations we are trying to settle without attorneys, to be the one to reject or agree, to hold that power. I knew he would not. He is not equipt for such an exchange. Instead, I made an offer. I've done all the work up until this point -- it was all there in little boxes tapped out in Excel -- so how could I expect it to go differently this time around?
This is what I want most and I think this is what is best for both of us. That's what I told him and that's what I asked him to agree to as I sipped my Calm tea, feeling it seep into my shaking insides.
He was more defensive than at our last meeting. But then, the apologies were already out of his mouth and the conversation was now centered on money. And money makes this man crazy.
My own proposal was for less than I am owed, but I don't care. I am done giving myself a hard time about how I am choosing to get out. I am doing what I have to do to get out.
He agreed to think about it and then we turned the talk to Lil E. We discussed schedules and events and even offered to help each other out since we each have an event that lands in the middle of our weekends with the boy. I was a little stunned as I spoke, even though I spoke measured and soft. This meeting was what I'd hoped would be possible but never dreamed would.
Then I said something off-handed and he laughed loudly and it reminded me of what we used to be. Later, Lulu asked me what I thought of that in terms of this whole damn thing with him.
I thought, "Once upon a time." That's what I told her. Once upon a time. Period. That's the entirety of the sentence. About that, I feel neutral. I feel fine. I feel relieved.
He'd think about my proposal, consider the numbers and financial statements and get back to me. That's how we left it after talking about how to get Lil E off the damn pacifier and how amazing his new preschool teacher is.
I walked away and the nerves built, the adrenaline rush, the Calm dissipated. Would this work? Could we finish this? Would he agree? Will I ever get out?
I sat with it. I distracted myself by taking Lil E to Target and agreeing to buy a Batman toy and gloves and other things we don't really need. I waited.
I think that will be best. That's what the Almost Ex told me today, nodding and standing up from buckling our son into his carseat.
You agree? To the offer? That's how sure I needed to be.
He said yes.
With that one little word, the one that made this once great love a legal arrangement, I think it might all really be over.
Yes made us married, yes will get us divorced.
There is lots of paperwork and another progress hearing and there will be more meetings. But today, the answer is yes, and I am as giddy as I was to slide that diamond on my finger seven years ago.
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