This is where we live now. And this is how we got here

And so, we have made the leap.

Seven months ago, I left my therapist's office, picked up Lil E from co-op, took him home for a nap and packed a big bag of clothes while he slept.

I'm not sure what was in that bag. Basics, I suppose. Undies, Pull-Ups, toothbrushes, jeans, sneakers, long-sleeved t-shirts, his favorite jammies, his babies. I packed a few things of my own, more random things like bras and yoga pants and hair clips. I focused on the boy but couldn't center when it came to myself.

My mom came by with her car and support and brave smile over her own heartache and worry and anger. When Lil E woke up we put on even happier faces and went to a birthday party. We tossed our overnight bags in and presents on top. We talked up the party and how his good friend would be so excited to be three too, so thrilled to see him there.

And then we never went home.

Sure, I went back for more clothes and eventually winter
coats and then spring jackets and finally, shorts. I went back for
sentimental things we longed to see and more basics we needed and then
other random things that felt comforting or made us laugh or just felt
more at home with us.



Lil E went back to spend time with his daddy and then for more official
visitation and now, overnights once a week. I returned to search for
birth certificates, legal documents, pick up bills and make lists. A
few weeks ago, I went back with my inventory and agreed-upon division
of assets and began to pack up the rest of what we had there. We went
back but we've never been back home. At least not in the way that it
was.



Instead, we made a home in my parents' home. We snuggled in and made
space for ourselves. We each had a room. It was tight but there was
breathing room. We were safe and calmer and could sleep easier there.
It was hard but it was right. It was a home and we made it ours. At
least for a time.



We have been through a lot in these seven months. We have cried,
sometimes together. We have patted each other's arm and given out long,
tight hugs. We have laughed. And sung songs. And danced. We've done
laundry and gone back to co-op and celebrated many more birthdays.



We've found a new place to live. We've unpacked many boxes. We've dug
up our basics and laid them out where we can get to them easily. We've
arranged our sentimental things, even temporarily, where we can see
them. We've re-folded some clothes and put them in drawers. We've made
a place for the random things we still feel the need to see. We've made
Lil E's new bed and gingerly placed the babies there.



Even still -- as I waited for internet and phone and cable, as my
parents arduously put together new Ikea furniture for me and generously
unpacked boxes while I worked, as I met with my therapist again and
again, and as we went through weeks of our busy, everyday schedule --
we hadn't made the transition yet. Tonight, though, we made the leap.



Our new apartment waited for us patiently and my parents gave us more
space to move on our own timeline, as we needed to, when we were ready.
Tonight, we did that.



My mom took Lil E to the zoo with co-op this morning and brought him to
our new apartment. I worked while they napped, Lil E stretched out in
his new bed for the very first time.  We returned to my parents' house
for a nice dinner, a flurry of packing only what we needed most for the
night. There were two full bags once again, mostly of basics with some
random stuff and a few sentimental things thrown into the top.



Lil E chose a new truck and and an old truck to carry along. I chose
prayer beads and more hair clips. We gathered ourselves, said a teary
and deep-breathed good-bye until tomorrow, and leaped into our new
home, our new place to be.



We stood outside my parents' front windows and did something that's
become a new ritual in the last seven months. They waved at us from
behind the glass and we danced. I do it when I drop Lil E off at
daycare, he does it when I head to work or out or to run errands.
Tonight, my parents blew kisses while we did our farewell dance.



It wasn't easy. Isn't. There are new sounds to get used and a night to
sleep through. There are so many questions. There is no doubt, though,
that this our home and that we will soon feel that rush that comes with
jumping high, leaping long, trusting that you will land on two feet.



Seven months is not such a long time when you think of the changes
we've been through, the choices I've made for us. It is a long time to
be away from your own home. My hope is in this: This time, when we left
for it, we danced.

Comments

[2Jmama]

As I sit here and read this I am crying. Tears of joy, tears of sadness and tears because I am so damn proud to call you my friend. You are a wonderful woman and an incredible mother. This new journey will be met with the confidence, grace and dancing that has been shown in the last 7 months. We don't talk often, but know that you are so close to my heart every day. Big hugs to the boy!!!

[Mat]

First of all, that apartment looks really awesome! I love wood floors. Secondly, I know you will make this your home by you just being you. I pray that your heart will heal and that someday soon this will just be where you are from, for both you and Lil E. The mental image of him laying in his bed for the first time napping... wow, that's got some serious heart-strings-pulling effect going for it. I may have to leave work early to go home and hug the kids now.

[MJ Tam]

That place is beautiful and glad that you found a new home to build on. It'll take awhile before Lil E gets used to it --- but I bet you'll do an amazing job in getting him to feel at home.

[Redsy]

Welcome to your adult woman of power home, Jessica. Your strength is inspiring!

[Shaunda Devins]

I admire you're courage to undergo all of those things. Lil E is so lucky to have a wonderful mom like you. I know he's in good hands with you. I hope you find joy in your new home. Good luck with your new life!