Right after I explained to him what divorce means
Tomorrow is the court date I never thought would come. I've kept as much as I can from Lil E about this long and winding process while still trying as hard as I can to be honest about what's really going on. His memories of us being a family of three are beginning to fade and he is content in each of what he calls his "three homes" -- with me, with his dad and with my parents.
But I needed to tell him at dinner tonight that my mom would be picking him up from school. And because he is the kid he is, he needed to know absolutely every detail of the arrangement. Including where I would be. And saying "at a meeting with Daddy" just didn't cut it.
So, as I do with my boy, I put it out there. Just laid it out right there on the dining room table.
I told him that after being separate for a long time, it was time for a judge to say that my marriage to his dad was over. That it is called divorce. And that after it happens, we would not be married at all anymore.
He gets the concept of being single (and God help me for the judgment which will surely come, if not from you then from myself) because of the Beyonce song I so like to crank and he so likes to do interpretive dance to while we both sing ridiculously and loudly. And he looked off while he processed what the end of a marriage would mean for his parents.
I asked him how he felt about that. He said "fine" quickly and quietly. And then he looked up at me very seriously and said, "I'm just so sad that we cannot take a piece of paper to the judge to tell her the story of Mommy and Daddy and Lil E and how we used to live all together and what happened before you and Daddy had trouble talking and solving problems and we lived all separate. I just think she should know."
He looked with those big brown eyes and I both melted and sat straighter in my chair. I told him we couldn't take a paper to the judge but we could certainly tell the story ourselves. I would write the words and he could draw the pictures. He nodded, and that's what we did.
I pulled out the big roll of paper and bin of markers and we went to work on the hardwood floor. Of course, it wasn't just a concession for a child. It was good for me too. But what was better was that he was working it out in his head and we were putting all that on paper so we could see the big picture. We could see "the hard stuff and the good stuff," as he told me later. It was all there in its simplest form.
A few snapshots of our story follow after the jump.
This was a collaborative effort and is complete with all kinds of pictures -- of the Sears Tower at night and the moving van we hauled from Oregon to Chicago and the places we now live, all by Lil E, and the story told by me and approved by consensus. But this corner, shown at the left, is Lil E's insistence, penned himself, that his dad came to stay with us "forever and ever" when we he and I moved to my parents' house. It's not true and he knows this, but he needed to believe it, needed to put it in his own writing. And so it is there, the corner of heartbreak, where this kid wrote out an untrue event to get honest with the real story. I loved him for that, and for wanting to believe the best, and so his perspective will stay right there in that spot.
Reader Comments (24)
And I also feel lucky to have the wisdom and cheers and hugs of parents who've been through this ugliness or are going through it. So for that, Wondermom and Li-Wen, thank you and MWAH!
At some point your son is going to believe you can stop loving him like you stopped loving his dad, and I want you to practice saying this, "there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you." Just repeat it over and over no matter how bad things get.
I wish for you all good things.
I signed my stip agreement 5 weeks ago and I am trying to sort it all out. I am encouraged to know I am in such good company as a single mom. My ex has been abusive and is pulling out all the stops to continue by not paying, etc. But we will hang in, I know we can do it when I see the tremendous strength of character here. And Mr. L. isn't worth our breath but I agree with your comments Danai.
Sadly, we are a nation who looks upon children with the wisdom of Solomon. We try to be "fair" to the grownups while we split the children in two. How often have you woken up in a motel room and had a disjointed moment where you didn't remember how you got there? This is a constant for kids of divorce.
Satistically if Bristol is able to provide a STABLE home for her son; one where there are consistent rules, the same bed to sleep in each night, routine, chores and a sense of belonging he will likely be fine. She sure should go to school, educate herself and spend every moment she can with that precious life.
We don't like it, but the truth hurts. Our insistence on "fairness" (to the adults) has cost kids a sense of home. Huge price to pay.