I'm not going to lie -- it hurts

We've come to the end of spring break week. It's been good, better organized than I thought it would end up being, and only so because my parents have stepped in to help me handle having both Lil E and work full-time this week.

The Ex was supposed to have Lil E all week. It is in our parenting agreement, but he either forgot or ignored it. This time, rather than remind him or ask him what his plans are, I let it be.

I am extricating myself, slowly and surely, from being that person in his life. Instead, I prepared to have Lil E at home with me. Or rather, to have him at the Shedd Aquarium with me, on my lap chatting away about the young Obi Wan Kenobi while I posted on probiotics, with my parents at Brookfield Zoo, and today, happily baking Easter goodies in my mother's kitchen. The Ex took him golfing for his part, and not a word was said of the lacking week of extra visitation time. I'd taken my step back, and even with all the arrangements that had to be made, it was good to have that little voice chattering away in the house for more hours this week.

Changing the schedule, whether from school to vacation or from home to visitation, is hard on all of us, though. It shows up in those tantrumy moments, in the small child going completely limp in a sobbing heap because I've dictated unfairly that he can only bring three stuffed animal babies to the grocery store or Grandma's house or down to get the laundry from the dryer.

It shows up in the eye-to-eye talks when I remind him (again) that he cannot tell Mommy no when I tell him to do something, that stomping on feet or hitting or sticking out his tongue is in no way acceptable, that there are other ways to work out the frustration than screaming.

It shows up when this child, so often so good (I guess), becomes a spinning Tasmanian devil of tears and snot and accusations about how I do not want him to have his babies with him ever.

It's wearing. But it's normal parent stuff that has to be contended with even more when there isn't a partner to hand off to just to come up for a few breaths during the hair-tearing moments.

But none of that really hurts. At least not the way it did when I finally calmed Lil E out of a tizzy this morning, after hitting and yelling and going to his room to cool off before we started our morning yoga. After I held him for a minute on my lap, the yoga tape on pause, I asked him why he was so angry.

"I just want to live with my daddy. I love him the most in the world and he loves me the most and I just want to live only with him."

I didn't want it to hurt, but it did. I never want it to hurt when he hurls these words, but it does.

He is four, he says these things. He is trying to make sense of this whole damn situation, and I get that. So am I. He is processing and he is lustful for his father's attention, and I get that too.

I explained to him, as I always do in these situations, that although his daddy and I didn't agree on a lot of things, we always agreed where he'd live. His dad and I decided this together, and this is the way it would be until he is grown up enough to live alone.

He didn't want to hear that, as much as I didn't want to hear his insistence that he should live with his father anyway. The thoughts swirling in my head -- the ones about inadequacy and lack of responsibility and abandonment and lies -- would never, ever spill out of my mouth. Not to my son. Just like the pain of hearing where he'd rather live, though, the thoughts were still there.

I will hear these words and feel this pain a million times before my child leaves this home for his own one day, I am sure. I don't blame the boy for that feeling or for feeling the way he does. He could (and may) never know all the reasons why it is healthier and happier for him to stay put, just as he shouldn't (and will not) stop expressing how he feels as he works this all out.

I just want to know what takes the sting out of hearing that your child wants to live with the other parent. And if that ever fades. Or even goes away.

Until I get that answer (and please do answer), I am putting my faith in the work and the love and intentions and silliness and the stability and the quiet and the strength I am trying so hard to keep building in this home. I am hoping that speaks louder to us both than the tantrums and re-jiggered schedules and exhaustion and hurt feelings.

It is far from perfect, but it's where we are living. There may not be Scooby Doo videos and Star Wars and chicken nuggets here, but I am thinking/hoping that's going to turn out to be OK in the long run.

Comments

[2jmama]

Ohhhhh the hurt. Give yourself and extra hug for being that mom that is filled with grace, snuggles and love, even when your heart hurts. When the day comes that he moves out, know he will be able to look back and say, my mom was always there for me! You are the best!!