is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
Dating is hard, y'all
Wednesday, April 22, 2009 It's not something I discuss here often because I'm still turning over in my head and heart how to merge dating and motherhood. It's difficult to figure out how to write about both of those parts of my life here, and it's even harder negotiating the two in real life.
Plus, I've come to be very good at compartmentalizing. When my son is with his father, that time is mine alone. When my son is in my care, that time goes first to him. I defined these parts of my life with pretty strict boundaries. For a long time, I didn't let any man into my home at all. And in the last few months, I've realized, I didn't really let them fully into my heart either.
But I did what I could. I gave what I could. I was who I could be to the men I've chosen to go out with in the time I've been dating. I offered up as much as I had in the moment to the many men I've been out with -- sometimes that has been too much information and sometimes that has been too little emotional investment.
Yes, I said many men.
Or at least many more than I would have expected to meet or meet up with in the time since I had date #1. I'm not ashamed to admit that, in part because I was committed to an 11-year relationship before I signed myself up on a website and started meeting new people for drinks or dinner, an occasional awkward coffee and once a great all-day hike. On the other side of my marriage, I didn't think it would be healthy or wise to leap into another committed relationship, to be too serious or to settle down before I'd come to a better place with the grief still left in my divorce compartment.
In the process, I've met some great people. I've had some amazing times. I've laughed a lot and had terrific meals at restaurants where kiddie portions of mac-and-cheese are not on the menu.
I've also met some real wackadoodles and realized that I am apparently a real magnet for 48-58-year-old ultra-conservative men in Kansas (ummm, thanks but no thanks). I am not sure how things work out that way, but they do.
Despite my resistance, I've found myself in a few situations that some people might call relationships (but not me...oh no). Some of those have left me broken-hearted (or as much as I would let myself be) and in some of that, I have done the hurting. I handled it all by keeping moving.
All along, in the pain and in the head-shaking and in the great fun, I've been learning about myself. How could I know how important financial responsibility was to me until I dated someone who didn't pay for anything (ever) and was fine with that? How could I have realized how honesty rises to the surface from the depths of a person's personality until I went out with someone who couldn't bring himself to tell me he didn't drive (at all)? How could I have known how critical I think it is for a man to have forthright manners until I went out with one man who watched me drive away in a snowstorm and didn't bother to see if I got home OK until five days later (buh-bye)?
I've also learned some surprising and sweet things. Like how much I've missed listening to live music. Like how generous, kind and in search of a deep connection some men my age are. Like what a thrill raw chemistry is at this age, and how being or not being a parent can impact a dating (gulp) relationship.
What I never, ever expected was for the feelings to get serious. I honestly thought it was fun and that I could make an investment without falling or being fallen for. I was wrong.
I pushed back on it. A few times. The timing, the situation, the man -- something was always not right. And, I rationalized, I am still learning. I am still trying. I am still working this all out.
As I type, I realize that this -- and that I -- sound cold, removed, raw. Perhaps I have been. At times. But I do think this has also been -- and I have also been -- engaged, delighted, open.I have laughed a lot, sometimes during delicious late-night conversations with a man I've liked and sometimes with my grrrlfriends about one of those non-driving, non-paying wackadoodles. It's been hard, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been good or worth it.
I'm not on that dating site anymore, for several significant reasons. But I am dating, just differently than I did before. This time, trying to be even more open. And this time, even more scared. Maybe both are because the compartmentalizing is getting harder, and I am in a very different place -- in my life and with myself -- than I was on that first date a long time ago. Again, hard but worth it.
What do you think, whether you are married or single or dating or not, is the most important thing that a mother can know when she's dating? Or as she makes over the way she's dating?
Reader Comments (9)
The last time I met a man for lunch, 8 minutes from my house, my daughter called me 13 times. I kid you not. Granted I didn't hear most of the calls, but she was freaked out and it was midday. I was with a stranger. There is no other adult for her to go to or be with or be scared to. That's when i decided at long last and once and for all (for now, lol) that I'm done w/ dating. She leaves for college in 2013. Line something up for me, would ya?
Would LOVE to share stories sometime though!!!
http://orthoticcontessa.com/2007/07/06/mint-anyone/
I will tell you that I had to read the entire thing to even know who I was referring to. I didn't remember...but the rest of it reminded me of what you wrote today.
Learning -Dating again for the first time, learning what I liked and disliked.
Basking -Finding someone and just enjoying them
Hurt -Feeling your first heart ache after a divorce
Open, Ready, Satisfied, Comfortable -I'm ready for anything. It could involve a man or not. I'm not even trying to date but letting them come to me. I am just so damn happy and content with my life. And when I feel fear in dating now I know I can conquer it. Feelings are okay.
Not sure what is next... but it's taken me three years of all of that to get to this sweet spot. I think I'm going to coast for a while and just hang on for the ride!!!
Speaking of.... CAN NOT wait to see you in Chicago when I pick up the Fiesta.