alone v. lonely bullshit

In the last three years, I've gotten a lot of advice on getting divorced, dating, even marriage. Some of that advice, I've paid several hundred dollars an hour for, pulled out of a retainer to my attorney. Some of that advice has required a co-pay made out to my therapist. Lots of it come from my parents, both solicited and unsolicited. And a good helping has come from my friends.

I am amazed at what I have heard about dating, or at least how I've dated, from people around me. Mostly, the words are offered with the best of intentions. But sometimes the bites, the judgment, the projection is hard to hear. I know that most people in my circles don't get what this life is like. I know that some of them are still reconciling that I am not who I was three years ago, or even one year ago. I know that we've all been single at some point and that experience can continue very close, even if we've been married or partnered for years.

Still, when the advice is about how I should not date at all, I am astounded. There have been specific gems offered to me that have stood out, not for their clarity or brilliance, but because they felt so wrong placed upon me. It is the small sentiments tucked into questions and thrown around playfully that stay with me longer, dig in deeper.

I think the assumption that people -- scratch that, women -- need to be alone after they end a relationship is craziness. We don't expect this of men. We'd dare not tell a man he needs to go solo for a certain amount of time after a break-up. However, we continue to tell women that the only way to be healthy on the other other side of an ending is to be celibate, home, quiet and internal.

Of course, there is a time to be all of those things, to sort through the pain, to get OK with being a house by yourself, to not feel the need for a companion to validate you or fill your time. That comes. Every person reaches that point on their own timeline. Everyone must make their way to the calm and still on their own terms. No one else can say when exactly that should be or how that period should go or that it should happen immediately.

Leaving a relationship is a release. It can be painful, it may feel freeing, it can be dramatic, it could be the most exhausting thing you've ever done. If settling in helps soothe the break-up, then that is wonderful. But if finding a way to let go,