Seeing the signs

The words surprised me but they also soothed me. There it was on my mango smoothie bottle, a message that goes against every article on how to keep the romance alive, all kinds of advice I’ve heard about how to get and stay together. They were just the words I needed to read.

“Separation is natural.”

I took it for more than it was clearly meant. I drank it up.

The Not Boyfriend has been in the field for two weeks and this time around, I’ve been quieter about it, calmer. I’ve only filled his email inbox with a handful of forwards and links from the New York Times and raunchy e-cards.

The one brief call we got during the blackout weeks when he is otherwise without a cell phone or any other contact made me squeal rather than sad.

I haven’t filled my time with double-booked dinner dates or shopped myself into complete distraction. I’ve let the impulse to write long messages to him pass. I decided against crossing off calendar boxes, and have even lost track a few times of how much time it will be until he can maybe, possibly ring me again.  I’ve Pema-ed out any chance for worry to get the best of my time to take care of some things that have needed my attention – like hyper-organizing every bathroom drawer and cabinet, for example. It’s been different than other times we’ve been this far from contact.

But then his birthday arrived and the ache to give him my wishes in person or even over Skype welled up.

I left him a silly video on Facebook, sent him a text he won’t see for days and told myself that I’d get my opportunity for everything I want now in good time.

That good time is ten days away, and seven weeks since I last saw him. 

It’s not easy, ever. Not even when our visits are closer together, not when we spend all day texting smart ass stuff back and forth.  But complicated doesn’t equal bad or tough or not good or not worth it. Being apart isn’t ideal, but maybe being in the dark once in a while doesn’t have to be awful.

I refuse to go so far to say absence makes the heart any kind of bullshit because the truth is, I would really love for him to be much closer.  That doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow or before the next holiday or when this whole time in the field is over.  It just needs to be in good time.

I felt some relief when his birthday passed, like I could turn my eyes toward my own travels and tasks that need my attention before I give it all to him a week-and-a-half from now.