Sassy Single Mom Style: Do not dress like you're kicking a squirrel

The snowpacoplyse seems to have been delayed until April, maybe May, so stores and sites are off-loading winter gear like crazy to make room for all those adorable espadrilles that require 10 to 15 bandaids to wear and swimsuits lined with miraculously skinnyfying material that you will need a crane, a pair of tongs and your small child to get into. Before you invest your money in summer resort wear, sort through the winter clearance items for great deals on sleeping-bag coats and infinity scarves and, of course, boots.

But whatever you do, sassy single mamas, please be wary of the faux fur boots you can purchase for way-cheap right now. It's not that I don't love faux fur -- I will rock my gerbil-looking vest better than Rachael Zoe on a hot August day in LA. I just really, really don't want you to walk around in balmy 40-degree weather looking like you're carrying around a very shy Labradoodle on your calf (see below).

Or worse, like you've kicked a squirrel (see above).

Here, Captive by Fergie, $169 on sale for $79 on Piperlime. Above, Hurry Up by Chinese Laundry, $149, available to animal-haters at chineselaundry.com.

Be mindful of where that pelt of $4 fake mink? rabbit? alpaca? ferret? is situated on your shoe -- that's the very best advice I can offer. You may be thrilled to only spend $39.99 on a pair of $700 boots, but if the world thinks you've abused rodents in the name of fashion, it won't be worth it. Trust me. You do not want Ziploc bags of fake blood thrown upon your feet while crazy PETA protesters scream, "SQUIRREL KILLER!" at you while you're just waiting for the 259A Express bus. 

Luxury by G by Guess, $89 and on sale for $49. Ready for rodent-stompers at Piperlime.

You do not teachers thinking your family cannot be entrusted to take care of the class hamster over spring break because you're already wearing one laced up in your 4-inch-heel combat boot.

More Chinese Laundry faux-suede squirreliness, because it's just to good not to gawk at one last time. In  Modwestern-rodentia tan. 

You do not want your child to secretly fear that you've taken time-outs up a notch by maiming the neighbor lady's cat and jimmy-rigging it to favorite wedges like a mockery with every step, a whisper-meow of "You're next, small person who doesn't pick up their Legos and will fit perfectly across the tongue of my ankle boots. 

It's traumatic for everyone. Best to avoid all together, no matter how enticing the price tag. No matter how much you abhor squirrels.

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[single mother grants]

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