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10 family birthday rules for the rule-breaking Not Boyfriend
Wednesday, August 7, 2013 
He's finally the same age as I am. And if he reaaaallly loved me, he'd use his military logistics training to navigate his birthday before mine so he can turn the ages before I do. He already has the old-guy soul, and a basket full of black socks and fedoras to prove it.
The Not Boyfriend doesn't simmer with anxiousness when his birthday arrives. He doesn't flinch at all when the timeline ticks one year older. While I fretted over 39, then 40, then 41, he shrugged and gave me a contented half-smile. His "it just is" Buddhi-tude does not sync with my birthday behavior, and so I exhale when August 3rd arrives and we are once again the same age.
What does make him squirm a bit is celebrating the day, at least in the way he's still learning that my family does. We make a deal out of it - not a huge deal, but a deal nonetheless. And there are guidelines that I explain as we near the time and the questions from my mother begin.
The first rule should be that I need to always be younger than he is. But I guess I'll settle with prettier. OK, smarter. Alas, if some great cosmic force pressed a finger down upon the earth to pause the relatively tiny (OK, miniscule) difference in our ages, that might have set us off course for the long stretch of time between our first meeting and our second. So we will live with it. And also these polite suggestions for better birthdays in this family.
1. You can pick a restaurant - any restaurant but preferably a restaurant that doesn't make my parents wiggy because the food is too shi-shi or spendy or trendy - and my parents will treat you to a birthday meal. If it's my dad's birthday, there will be absolutely no singing or special desserts delivered during dinner and, for God's sake, do not bring the gifts to the restaurant and make a big spectacle. If it is anyone else's celebration, of course, you can do those things, but it will still make my dad uncomfortable. He will deny it, but it will.
2. You should have cake back at the house, where you will open gifts in a pretty dramatic and spectacular fashion that should clearly never be observed publicly. There will be trick candles or sparkler candles atop a cake from Dinkel's. If it is at my parents' house, my mother will dig out ice cream from the freezer she bought at some point in flavors to make my dad and the birthday celebrant most happy. You will use the plastic Dinkel's cake thingy from 1987.
3. There will be at least one card that sings and dances. There will be another one you have to read. But not too much, because all of us know that all of us will simply skim it. And then will come the family story about how my brother threw a card to the side once as a child, proclaiming, "TOO MUCH READING." We will make up the time saved reading sentiments in the tender cards by pressing the button on the singing and dancing card ten or twenty times in a row. And once as you say goodnight and walk out the door. Possibly another time left as a voicemail on your cell phone when you don't expect it.
4. Someone may fashion a custom box for your gift out of one of those cardboard trays from Costco.
5. You will get stuck. E will decorate your gift with a hundred stickers that he thoughtfully placed just for you. You will want to keep this wrapping paper or recycled gift bag with the sticker art because DO NOT THROW IT AWAY AND MAKE THE KID FEEL LIKE A BRUISED-HEARTED ARTIST. This leads to Rule #6.
6. Whatever you get, you will keep. Trust me. Someone will ask you how it is working out for you/fits/looks hanging in your kitchen/has helped you find your way home from filling more cardboard trays at Costco. If it is the wrong size/color/style/formation/make/model, feel free to request the gift receipt knowing that you will probably just get a do-over gift at Christmas. This is related to Rule #7.
7. Price paid? No mystery. The tag is still stuck to the bottom. This is an accident, no matter how many birthdays you celebrate with us. Unless the item was purchased on clearance, and then the tag was left on purpose so you'd see what damn good deal it was. And also so you know for sure it can't be returned.
8. You will be given at least one practical gift. That might be a sturdy Lodge chef-approved skillet wrapped in a cardboard produce tray from Costco (see? it's a real thing). It could be cutest little teensy tiny spatula you've ever seen at TJ Maxx. It may be straight cash, could be an emergency road repair kit, has been books on both personal finances and fix-it-yourself stuffs. It is possible a pickle grabber. Do with that (and the bitty kitchen gadgets) what you will.
9. You will do it differently one year. Maybe you will choose to really scare my parents by choosing a sushi restaurant. Or you will go big and order a bottle of bubbly for the table. You might skip dessert or insist on ONLY getting Pick 5 tickets on your special day. But the next year, I promise, you will fall back in line with the Way Birthdays Work Around Here.
10. You will feel loved. The words written, stickers chosen, ballpoint drawings added and gifts presented will all be placed in your hands with great love. And possibly a request to finish the fried calamari, if you're not going to. Maybe also Justin Bieber or Jesus wrapping paper. NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER PAPER. Or Jesus, printed Warhol style.
The thing is, the Not Boyfriend is kind of a rule-breaker. And this is one of the reasons I love him. He coaxes me out of my good-girl guilt and with the raise of an eyebrow, convinces me to taste something that is totally not on my list of foods to eat. He goes into adventures with no nervousness whatsoever and reminds me that the things that scare me are pretty much all survivable. So I guess if he insists we skip the Dinkel's cake one year or, even ballsier, returns a clearance-item tiny pickle grabber, or even keeps on being just enough younger than I...well, hell. I will still love him bigger (and hopefully) better the older we (I mean, he) get.
Reader Comments (1)
Good post. People tend to think of birthdays for kids, but adult birthdays can be just as fun and just as special.