Where you start to wonder if I seriously need meds or it's just the holiday season

I am a wreck. I am wonderful.  I am totally stressed out over a deadline at one job and really wanting to dig into a new job. I have done about 25% of my holiday shopping and I have no idea when I will squeeze the rest into the next two days. I am absolutely delighting in the amazing moments when Lil E is enveloped by all things Christmas: "I so excited about Santa! I love Baby Jesus!"

I am not letting the pile of dishes or bigger pile of laundry or my desk (oh, my desk) make my eyes swell up and oogle around in hypnotic spirals. I am not worried (honest) that we do not have holiday cards sent or even ordered. In fact, I am really not worried that we haven't even taken chosen a photo for the holiday cards yet. Everyday, I get a charge from plugging in the Christmas tree lights (and not just because we live in a vintage apartment with the most ungrounded outlets of all time) and seeing our beautiful, simple, lovely little tree  stand proud in the midst of our lives and our chaos, our cluttered dining room and our awe.

I keep eating the candy Bruce got from his clients (Dude, why do personal trainers always get fat-ass stuff at the holidays? Is it some kind of revenge, like, "You made me do a bezillion squats so I'm going to seduce your wife into chubbing up with these Frango mints? So not right). 

I am dreaming of a massage and a pedicure and a three-hour trip to see my hairstylist whence I emerge without roots or a bugger of gray streak making its home too close to my face. I am anxious about the tasks and the tedium and yet I am reminding myself many times a day to keep breathing deeply, to be OK just being enough. I am pulling all my energy together to be very present with Lil E in all those precious holiday moments and still, my to-do lists haunts me when I go to sleep. It is just after 10 p.m. and I am ready for bed. I never go to bed at 10 p.m. 

I felt claustrophobic, trapped indoors with a stir-crazy toddler during snowiness and bitter cold and somehow, 45-degrees and rainy just make the mood for the holidays.  I cannot wait for my brother to fly in and I am so excited we will be flying out after Christmas.

I will go to yoga on Saturday because I need it, like I need water and good coupons for last-minute sales. I will go to yoga to absorb the electric female energy in the room and remind myself of the power and the presence of the goddesses on these holiest of days.

I am sentimental that sitting in the Christmas Eve service at my church on Sunday night, listening to the organist weave Widor's Toccata through the pews, watching the acolytes precisely-timed dance from candelabra to candelabra as I once did so reverently, I will be celebrating the very moment that Bruce proposed to me five years ago. I will cry to remember how I told him to put the ring away, scared and shocked and delighted all at once at his beautiful thoughtfulness. I will hug Lil E close to me in the sling as he sleeps in his Christmas jammies while the choir sings Silent Night. I will go home on Sunday night, sad that it is over and full of happiness to have another year before I inhale all that purity and peace once again.

I am a complete wing-nut and I am completely serene. I crazy/elated.

It is my favorite time of the year and I am both lost and drowning in it all.

Comments

[2Jmama]

among the craziness you have remembered the most important thing. Slowing down and enjoying this special time with Lil' E! Enjoy! The rest will fall into place.

[Kim]

You are beautiful, Jess. Thanks for this and for your new and amazingly timely, right-there-when-I-need-it presence in my life. Happiest holidays.