Things I've Seen at Starbucks: Make that PASSED OUT FROM

Attention middle-aged men in to get your four-shot frappucinos with extra whip and double sprinkles who want the rest of us in Starbucks that you are stopping in between high-powered entrepreneurial-type meetings in which you move and shake yourself to local celeb status worthy of tall, slender, peroxided arm candy when really you've just emerged from the basement full of damp-smelling orange carpet where you did a bit of day trading while intermittently watching Drew Carey on the Price is Right:

Please, please, please lay. off. the. Drakkar Noir. Walgreens is not doing women, nor the general population who happens to be trapped in between doors and closed windows with moderate-at-best air circulation, any favors by selling gift packs of this cologne to men like you. I kid you not, three - THREE! - men have come through the doors in the last hour reeking of Drakkar. It is almost like they're outside taking drags on one Camel Lite and then hits off of the last bits of an old eau de toilette.

Sure, in the early 90s, I may have snuck my boyfriend's bottle of Drakkar Noir* and sprayed the inside lining of my pink fake fur jacket and my gym uniform t-shirt with the stuff so I could dream up the (*cough*) smell of him from zero-period school newspaper workshop through ninth- period PE hell. In those days, my grrrls and I may have even swiped as many samples from department store counters as we could to dab at our wrists and between our itty-bitty perky teen boobies while we drooled over Marky Mark, wept to PM Dawn lyrics and danced in synch on platforms to (mom, look away)Fuck You Like An Animal.

But seriously, today? This side of the millennium? For a maple scone and pumpkin latte? In that horrible, violating, cringey quantity?

Do the neighborhood a favor, boys, and tone the musky stuff down. Waaaaay down, like all the way to the dumpsters behind Jewel where the old bread and landfill worth of plastic bags might just mask the smell. At least while I finish my coffee a few blocks away.

* Note that this review was clearly written by one of this Drakkar-dipped dudes, as evidenced by the highly descriptive "real, real good."

Comments

[Sarah]

In true early 90's fashion, let me just say--Gag me with a spoon!!!!

[zoe]

hahahah!!!! i have a co-worker who wears..get this...stetson. BARF!

[Down Comforter]

LOL - Gosh I remember being in high school wanting that, cause it was in'.

You have a very funny blog!

Stef