is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
Sitting not so pretty
Sunday, March 8, 2009
To be honest, I don't really know where to begin. This is why I haven't been writing. This is why I've been quieter here. I've been so afraid that if I let go what is really in my head, that the words that will spill from my fingers will be dark and full of anxiety no one really wants to read.
I have this fear that if I spill it, Sassafrass will become that blog that people read (there are still people out there reading, right?) and will say, "Have you read her lately? She's so fucking depressing." And the last thing I want this corner of the internet to be is the most depressing pair of stomping pink shoes you've ever seen.
On the whole, I don't feel dark and depressing. But in this moment in time, in the last few weeks, I've been really battling fear. I am scared to death of not being in good health.
I've made my appointment for an ultrasound mammogram, the one that my doctor told me was to ease our minds. And instead, that simple act has sent me into a tailspin. I've been paranoid and felt so fragile. Every little cough or pain has me worried, scary scenarios creep up and take over my thoughts.
I am working very hard not to let this fear overtake me. I am doing yoga like crazy. I am practicing little rituals throughout my day -- like taking flower essences, repeating my mantras, listening to the music that centers me, closing my eyes in a hot, bubbly bath full of Epsom salt. I am reaching out -- to the people closest in my circle, to my family, to my therapist, to God. I am distracting myself -- by working, cleaning, going out, shopping, having a drink. I am trying trying trying to quiet the words I didn't want to even put here.
I am reminding myself of all that I have on my side -- I do not have a family history of breast cancer and I do have a family full of women with fibrous breasts, I am taking steps to be tested and take good care, my doctor is not concerned, and today, as far as I know, I am healthy. I am trying to move my next mammogram up from mid-April to as soon as I possibly can get in. I am not reading one medical thing online.
Some of the time, it works. I have a great day, a tough day, an up day, a deep dark down day. I am functioning fine, getting out of bed and working and all of the things that fill up all of my days. It's just that during the low days, I feel so afraid.
I don't want to be like this. And good Lord, I don't want to live like this. But here I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always anticipating the next crisis around the corner.
That feeling has been honed by plenty of crises. It's not pretty, but it is what it is. And the thing is, I know I can handle trauma very well. It's just sitting around waiting for it that's killing me. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, I am happy. Happier than I ever dreamed I'd be in a life I never imagined for myself. I am so blessed. I feel powerful. I have big plans. I am falling apart.
So there it is. This is what has been going on in my head while my blog and my sense of calm has been patiently waiting these last few weeks. Maybe now that I've said it, maybe now that I've put it up here on the screen, given it space to breathe, it will stop taking up all this space in my brain, stop taking my breath away. Here's hoping.
Reader Comments (6)
If you can't blab to your bloggees, who can you blab to? It's ok to be scared and down and mopey. Don't put the pressure on yourself to put on a brave face when you're not feeling brave. You will handle whatever comes your way, but just allow yourself to be human. At least for a while.