is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
A date. With a man
Sunday, August 2, 2009 We were riding in the car, singing Michael Jackson loudly, and Lil E was doing this head-shake move that reveals a compelling flexibility that I think is reserved only for preschoolers. There was a pause in between songs just as I pulled up to a red light. It was suddenly, momentarily quiet in the car. I seized it.
"Yesterday," I said, peering into the rear view mirror at him, "you asked me if I went to the awards show on a date with a man."
"Yes," he said, nodding. I could see his eyes widen, even behind his Darth Vader sunglasses.
"I didn't really answer that then." This was hard to get out. "I'm sorry for that."
He nodded again.
"Do you want to talk about that?"
Another nod.
"I went with someone," I said, not really sure of what I was getting in to and how much was OK to reveal.
"A friend who is a man."
He was silent and still in response, so I kept on.
"Why did you ask?"
He shrugged and then said loudly, "Because I wanted to know!"
"Ahhh," I said. "What do you think about that?"
"Good!" he said. It's his pat answer when he is uncomfortable. I know him well enough to be silent for a few beats to let his real answer surface. I did. And then it came. "Sad."
"Does it make you sad because of Daddy? Or some other reason?"
"Yes. Daddy."
"Oh, honey." I was driving, trying to look ahead and still catch his eyes in my mirror. "I know. Daddy and I will not be together like that again. It is a little sad, and also healthier. Change is hard."
"But sometimes I just want you to be with Daddy." He was looking out the windows, down, away. Anywhere but toward me. I followed his lead and steadied my own eyes on the road ahead.
"I know this. This is tricky stuff. But I want you to know that you can ask me anything. And I promise I will tell you the truth. You don't have to be afraid to ask."
"I know." He said that quietly.
"Is there anything else you want to know? What else do you want to ask me?" I wanted to give him all the opportunity he needed to step through the door now that it was opened. He stopped short of the threshold.
Silence.
"Lil E?" I pushed. "Honey?"
More silence.
"E, I'm talking to you, lovey."
And then he flipped his arms up, craned his neck, began some weird mechanical movements.
"I-am-a-robot!" he sputtered awkwardly, loudly. "I-am-a-robot. I-ammmm-shutttttinnnng-dowwwwwwn."
The robot came unplugged, melting into a heap of cotton and soy butter and overheated little boy emotions.
I responded with silence, turning the music back up, and sending a thousand little I love you, I love you, I love yous into the space between us.
I don't know where he got the idea or even learned about the concept of dating. He's been with me when I've gotten ready for many events, none so formal, but still...many events. Regardless, he got it. And that is his way. His sensitivity, his sageness. Perhaps his susceptibility to other people's messages or maybe just how is processing everything now.
The thing was, I promised to tell him the truth and I hadn't completely told him the truth. I did go to the event on a date with a man. He was right. I just hadn't said it outright. I am not sure yet if that is important. I certainly have compartmentalized that part of my life as far as possible from him, and I know he doesn't need to know much more than a shared nod.
I told him I would tell him the truth. And I will. In the doses that I think we can both handle.
This tiny piece is out there now. Even though I've been dating for (what feels like) a long time, it marks the beginning of this part for him. For us. I've reached my hand through the doorway for his. He's not ready to take it yet. I am not sure if I am ready for that either. But he sees it there.
And I will keep holding it out until that little robot is up and running again.
Reader Comments (2)
They're so smart - and even moreso than we realize.